without ink

One of the worst feelings is being misunderstood. As humans, we use synonyms, euphemisms, analogies, stories, humor, and attempt after attempt to explain the unique circumstances that dictate our various perspectives. So much of our speech is aimed at justifying our actions and thoughts, hoping that someone else may temporarily step into a fraction of the fabric of our being, all for the purpose of clearing up misconceptions in order that we are able to receive empathy and understanding from others. Yet, the complexity at the interface of emotions and articulations, the complicated relationship between each individual’s spirit, heart, and mind is one that demands a very skilled interpreter. Discernment and wisdom in both reading and understanding others can be learned, for sure. But there remains an untamed element inside each of us, comprised of longings and ambitions, fears and qualms that we ourselves do not even realize makes its abode within us until it is drawn out surely and carefully.

I think we are under the impression that we are the ones who know ourselves best. However, I am not sure I am so quick to embrace this philosophy of self discovery. On days like I’ve had this past week, I have spent a great deal of mental energy trying to figure out why I have felt the way I have. Although there has been no cause for rain in my own emotional forecast, the skies hold a dull grey hue, and gloominess has, for whatever reason, been a thick stratus hovering above my head. My fickle heart has busied itself confusing my mind as it has taken a sabbatical from the logical nature that typically governs it. Instead, my heart seems to be an active participant in a game of charades in which each emotion is selected at random from a bag of adjectives. I have frustrated myself at best and exhausted myself at worst. Clearly, I need some back up to help me figure out my diagnosis!

I love the way the psalmist puts it when he says “deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me.” At the end of the day, I tire of trying to figure myself out, so I take a seat on the edge of a beautiful canyon. As I sit, I allow the entirety of my emotions to be swept away in the power, majesty, and glory of a huge waterfall, plummeting to unsearchable depths; the mist that flows up creating rainbows that dance in the sunlight. And the massive roar…oh, the beauty of the sound. The echo of the depth draws out of me the depths of my own being that I neither know nor understand. My ears begin to hear a line clearly arise out of the noise of the cascade; I can’t decipher exactly what is said, but as the breakers and waves of goodness and peace inundate me, I finally know that I am heard and understood. Although I feel like an alien in my own body, in light of Him, my frustrations fade. And things make sense.